I should be excited I know. But I am really dreading going back to school. It's the smiling partly. And the tan scrubs. And the no life...not to mention it being coupled with the holiday season. Christmas sucks.
I don't know what I feel anymore. I feel all of this hate everywhere inside me. I must have cultivated it without knowing. Where passion has been, I have apathy. I'm sleeping all day, and staying up all night. Everything feels impossible. Everything.
I feel tired today. The snow is pretty. The coffee was not as strong I think. I have to do research and register for classes. I like my long day's at school. They are calming and I accomplish things. Yay!
I get up in the morning. I have a bowl. I have a coffee with cocoa and cinnamon. I take a shower. I study. I read. I go to class or to work. I listen to music. I come home. I clean. I lay down at night. I smile.
Oh, I'm kind of drunk right now. The wine is terrible. The company is good. I was happy today. If that means something, don't know if it does. I keep spelling shit wrong and having to go back and re-type it. I missed you Laura. I'm glad we got to hang out the other day. Parents. I don't think. I can type more.
Crystal and I are looking for a new place to live. We would like room mates. Let us know guys (Dev Laura). Anyway, I'm just freaking out about it. I stress out about money A LOT. Way more than anyone should, because it's just money. I just got a $600 check and it's all gone because I had to pay my car insurance. The DTE bill, and the water bill I just paid. We are behind on our energy bill. That sucks because DTE are ass fuckers and they put every late payment toward your credit. Mother Fuckers. Anyway, I just feel so rushed lately. I feel stretched very fucking thin. I'm tired, emotionally and physically. I want to curl up and sleep for a whole damn day. Wake up, take a nice long relaxing bath, read a little bit. And than go back to sleep. But I don't really see that happening for a really long time. I feel lonely, but to busy to really devote any time to a boyfriend, so fuck it. I miss my friends, but don't have time to really see them much so I can't really blame that on anybody but myself. Crystal thinks I work too much, but I never have any money now, so what happens if I work less, and have more time on my hands to do things? I'm quitting Meijer, anyway. I don't even give a shit anymore. I'm sick of driving that far to work, especially when it robs me of having ANY day off. I never get a day off of work, so I never have time to go and do things. I don't feel robbed of my time too often, but every once and a while I wish I was doing something else on Friday and Saturday. I feel like I'm just going going going, and I just don't ever stop, unless I sleep, and it's never fucking for long enough or well enough. Our place has been a big fucking mess lately. Crystal cleaned Thursday, so it looks a lot better, but the bathroom still needs cleaning, and I've pretty much given up on my own room. I think Crystal gave up on hers too, seeing as how the cat likes to piss on EVERYTHING in her room. The Guinea babies make things stinky too, there is bedding and foodies everywhere. That would have been fixed by now had the vacuum been working. Miss Mona is sick again. She has mites. That is probably another $60 vet visit. Plus $10x6 more shots. Plus, whatever it is for her antibiotics. And here I am stressing out about money again. But I'm totally more stressed out about my guinea pig being sick so... Oh, the turtles need their cage cleaned out, and MORE CALCIUM. I should be taking my pills, but I don't. I don't really feel like they help me anymore. I mean, I'm sure that they do. I supposedly have a hormonal imbalance. But who really knows. Doctors don't really get it. They can never tell you why you are in pain. So, those are my fucking feelings. Mediocre problems swallowed by all of the horrible bullshit that is going on around me and everywhere else in the world. People are shitty to each other. Everybody. Everybody is shitty, it's how many redeeming qualities someone has that matters, and if they out way how shitty you have been in your life. I never learned how to deal with boys. I never can figure out what to say. If I'm not interested in someone, or even if I am. Half the time I can't even figure that out. Anyway, I'm good and late for work now.
WHAT IS UP WITH MY FUCKING LIFE? WHAT IS UP WITH MY FUCKING STOMACH? HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO ANYTHING? WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING? WHERE IS MY FUCKNG SHIT? THAT IS WHAT I'M MOSTLY THINKING ABOUT. WHERE...IS...MY...FUCKING...SHIT?
I'm at Dev's house. I'm getting drunk. Some of these kids suck. I need something to do. But they all suck...or are six. Crys wants me to go lay down with her. I'm not quite at that point in the night. I want more of them to leave before I go to sleep. I don't trust them to not be shit heads to Dev's house, or her shit. I smell popcorn.